Entry 79 6.1.11

Entry 79, June 1^st, 2011, 10:40pm (ship time GMT +2)

Today's first production show was a little more exciting than we like them to be. Near the end of the second tune, our bass player Gary collapsed onto the floor of the orchestra pit. The musical director called the bridge, and there was an “alpha” call over the ship's PA system. A minute later the staff captain and the chief safety officer show up at the orchestra pit with two blue boys, picking their way through the maze of sound cables and music stands as quickly as possible. We helped them carry Gary out into the corridor, and he disappeared (presumably on his way to the medical center). Mind you, we did all this while continuing to play the show! Luckily Miko (the sound tech) figured out that something was wrong and turned up the prerecorded backing track to cover up the holes.

Gary's doing okay – he was conscious when we went to go see him after the show, and even said a few words before the Doc shooed us out. It was probably a panic attack, his roommate said that apparently his girlfriend back home is having some pretty major surgery soon. Hopefully he'll be back on his feet by tomorrow.

Other than that it was a fairly uneventful day. I mentioned having some problems with my chops the other day; since then I've gone back to the materials Dave Sheetz gave me in New Hampshire and they worked like a charm. I've got a high F back and still felt good after the second show today . . . I may practice some more later tonight. Doc Reinhardt was the man . . .

Entry 78 5.31.11

Entry 78, May 31^st, 12:14am (ship time GMT +2)

I managed to avoid playing myself into the ground for the past two months, but I messed up these past couple days and am now paying the price (for the brass players out there – never play FF in the middle or low registers, even if it feels good at the time. Too much embochure spread when you're playing five/six hours a day). We had a really long day of playing today, and really long day two days ago without much rest in between and I was pretty worn out by the end of the fourth show tonight. Gonna take it easy tomorrow . . .

Entry 77 5.29.11

Entry 77, May 29^th, 2011, 9:04pm (ship time GMT +2)

Course: NNE Speed: 8 knots

Wind: SSW, light

North of Mallorca

I find myself with a minute to spare after two days of activity. Yesterday the orchestra had the busiest day that we've had since I signed on. We worked from noon until around 1am, a thirteen hour day. We had flag parade, a sound check, a matinee show, a rehearsal, two farewell shows, and then two jazz sets. This is nothing compared to some members of the crew who work up to seventy hours a week, but for us it was a lot.

The ship is wandering North, about to clear the island of Mallorca. The mountains, shrouded in wisps of cloud, lie off the starboard beam, while the sun sets off to port. A light breeze catches in my hair as I sit here on the back deck . . . this is a moment of quiet before the rest of the crew get off and begin the night's festivities. A good moment.

Entry 76 5.27.11

Entry 76, May 27^th, 2011, 7:10pm (ship time GMT +2)

One Hour Out of Gibraltar

Course: ENE Speed: 15 knots

Wind: West, Seas: Calm

I have been encountering a feeling that makes quieting my mind difficult. It is restlessness, an inability to focus, and it leaves me irritable and self-critical.

When I feel this way, nothing satisfies. I can eat huge meals and still be hungry. I can drink as much booze as they'll sell me and I'm still too sober. I can sleep all day and still be tired . . . there is a gaping maw somewhere inside, and satiating it with worldly pleasures is only a temporary stopgap. I feel like there is a crab with a hundred legs trying to carve its way out of the back of my head. Has anyone else ever felt this way?

When I feel this way, I spend the day in useless activity, darting here and there in brief, nervous bursts of energy. In the evening, I have accomplished nothing, and usually have a lot of trouble falling asleep. The only solution I have found so far is to lie down on the ground somewhere and stare at the ceiling, letting my mind run as fast as it wants. Eventually it gets tired and starts to relax. The crab dissolves. Then I can get up and meditate, exercise, or practice. These activities usually leave me calm and focused.

I don't know what causes this restlessness. It happens more often when I sleep late into the day, but other than that I don't have any idea why. Perhaps it has something to do with the first of what Buddhists call the five fears: the fear of loss of life. This includes the fear of wasting one's time on Earth. Maybe this is what I'm feeling?

Entry 75 5.27.11

Entry 75, May 25^th, 2011, 12:59am (ship time GMT +2)

I fasted again today. This time it was harder to do – the hunger comes in waves, usually at mealtimes. This tells me that what I am feeling is a function of habit, not an actual need for sustenance. Regardless, I am looking forward to breakfast tomorrow morning!

I find fasting to be an interesting meditative tool. There is a sharpening of the mind that occurs when the body is not giddy on the wave of endorphins released from eating a meal. Also, the accumulation of appetite is a constant reminder to remain detached from my desires. In this way, it carries my morning meditation through the entire day.

Entry 74 5.26.11

Entry 74, May 26^th, 2011, 12:14am (ship time GMT +2)

The orchestra was busy today. We played a big band set in the early afternoon, and then had a rehearsal for tonight's motown act. The big band set went just fine, but the rehearsal was rough. Many of the arrangements had serious notational issues. The biggest problem was that half of the charts couldn't make up their mind which trumpet was playing lead. I would be the top voice, and then Rob would be, and then I would be, back and forth – “Dancing on the Ceiling” switched every single phrase! It was a mess.

The singer can't read music (another one . . . sigh . . .) and so he had no idea that there were any problems. We explained it to him in vocalist terms, though, and he understood – and then offered to pay us to fix the charts! The musical director and I split the problem arrangements (three each) and so I spent two or three hours between the rehearsal and the first show working on my computer. It was an easy thirty bucks (I wanted to fix the charts further, but I would've needed the other horn parts), and proof that opportunity exists in every situation.

I guess this officially makes me a copyist!

Entry 73 5.25.11

Entry 73, May 25^th, 2011, 3:25am (ship time GMT +2)

Blood red moon

leaves trail across waves

Steel hull

slides through the darkness

Dammit, I know I'm drunk when I start writing bad free verse.

I saw not one, not two, but three potential couples having “the discussion” outside of their cabins on the way from my cabin to the crew mess to type this update. You know the discussion I mean, where they define themselves before either heading inside or not. C'mon people, a little subtlety would be appreciated!

I cannot help but feel that some Tao is involved in dancing to loud music while intoxicated. Something in there leads back to the way. I think that all activities that youth engage upon as “dangerous” are actually just reactions to fear of the self. Drinking, rampant sex, drugs, overeating, video games . . . they are all just ways of temporarily escaping the self. We all are afraid of the self, but dancing while intoxicated helps us forget to be afraid.