Entry 31 4.6.11

Entry 31, March 6^th, 2011, 4:48pm (ship time)

Let's say you've just bought your first beer on board the Grandeur of the Seas. Congratulations! After a long day of training, meeting your bandmates, performing, and other miscellaneous running around, you sure could use a good drink. Heineken, eh? Well, I suppose it will get the job done. Nothing like that oatmeal stout back home at Woody's, but we're a couple thousand kilometers away so I guess it'll have to do.

Not to mention that it only cost you a buck fifteen. Not bad. And you don't even have to have cash, the bartender just swipes your ship ID (word to the wise – they will cut you off). Ah, here it is . . .

But what's this? Our usually indefatigable barkeep has slipped up – the bottle's cap is firmly affixed to the neck, preventing you from imbibing along with your new best friends, waiting impatiently at a nearby table. You have been confronted with your first truly vital shipboard crisis – how do you get a beer open?

Well, someone probably has a bottle opener. You might even have one yourself. But for the more enterprising, this problem can be solved without mechanical assistance, and perhaps even in a way that will impress that cute salon girl over in the corner (well, give it a couple weeks. She'll be cute by then).

The following is by-no-means an exhaustive list of the different methods of opening a beer on board a ship, but it should be just enough to get you started.

Method #1: The Pirate Method

Difficulty: Low

Manliness: High

Drinkability: Very Low

Pirates were renowned for their recklessness and devil-may-care attitude. If you think this may be what that salon girl is into, then by all means give it a shot – just don't expect to get anything to drink. Hold the bottle by the middle, and find something hard and sharp. Strike forward with the bottle, catching the target object with the area just under the cap. With any luck, the top of the bottle will shatter straight off and everyone will be mildly amused by your rudimentary grasp of physics.

If there's any beer left after the resulting foam explosion, it will be filled with shards of glass. Not very delicious. And you might want to tip the cleaning staff a bit extra at the end of the night.

Conclusion: Generally not recommended, although could be effective in the rare situation.

Method #2: The Countertop Method

Difficulty: Low

Manliness: Low - Medium

Drinkability: High

Find a solid countertop, preferably wooden and a bit scratched and pitted. Holding the bottle with your left hand, anchor the cap of the bottle in the lip of the counter. With your right hand, gradually apply pressure downward onto the cap until pop! You have beer (alternative method: use hatch cover. Avoid officers).

Some crew members have developed this skill to the point where they can flip the cap into the air at the moment of removal and catch it with their right hand before it touches the ground. An advanced technique.

Conclusion: The method of choice for yours truly. Gets the beer into my stomach with the least trouble and effort.

Method #3: The Two Beers Method

Difficulty: High

Manliness: Medium

Drinkability: Extremely High

Similar to the countertop method, this method instead employs another beer as the point of leverage.

Designate an “opener” beer and a “beer to be opened.” Hold the beer to be opened in your right hand, with your fingers an inch or so below the bottom of the cap. Take the opener beer in your left hand and hold it horizontally in front of you, neck towards your sternum. Fit the opener beer's cap snugly between the cap of the beer to be opened and the topmost finger of the hand that is holding the beer to be opened. Now push your left hand slowly but firmly downwards. If all goes according to plan, the opener beer should act as a lever, your right hand's top finger as a fulcrum, and the beer's top should pop right off. If it goes wrong, the opener beer will spurt open, covering your crotch with liquid and making it look as if you've pissed yourself. Lovely.

The reason this method gets the “extremely high” drinkability rating is because of the so-called “beer cycle.” After successfully opening a beer, via the two beer method and drinking it, you are left with one unopened beer. To open this beer via the two beer method, another beer must be purchased. You can undoubtedly follow this line of reasoning to its logical conclusion . . .

Conclusion: If you have mastered the two beer method, by all means flaunt it. It remains an excellent way to buy a girl a drink. If not, practice at home. The bar is not the place to learn such a potentially hazardous skill.

Method #4: The Forearm Method

Difficulty: Extremely High

Manliness: Extremely High

Drinkability: Who cares?

My loyal readers may think I add this last suggestion in jest. This is not so – I have seen this method in action with my own eyes; an impressive sight, to be sure.

For the abnormally strong only. The hapless bottle is clutched between the bicep and forearm. What exactly happens then is unknown, as the exact mechanism is of course hidden by the bulging muscles, but it appears that the muscles are used to hold the cap in place while pressure is applied to the beer with the other hand, eventually pulling it straight out of the cap.

Conclusion: If you're this strong, remind me never to piss you off.